Speech Impedements and Poor Fashion Choices: The Football Analyst

Last night I was watching ESPN…..HUGE shocker right? Guess who was in charge of the remote?
They have all their football analysts out in full force right now in anticipation of the Super Bowl this weekend. And there are a few rants I’ve had all season about these so-called “experts”.
For starters, let’s discuss the “analyst” term. The dudes who sit there before the game. What, exactly, are they analyzing? They just sit around and BS for a bit and then take a blind guess about who they think will win the game. And then after the game they try to rationalize why they were right (or, in most cases, wrong). I am most especially tickled when the ESPN dudes head over to their fake football field and relive their glory days as they “demonstrate” plays. The point? Is there one? I’m not sure actually.
This reluctant fan could probably be an analyst, and be paid a far more cushy salary than the current paltry-by-comparison amount.
But moving beyond the complete head-scratcher that is the “analyst” terminology, is the selection process networks must go through to select said experts.
It would seem to me that the number one rule in broadcasting is to be able to annunciate. To communicate effectively. So what bonehead thought to himself: “Self, we need a new football analyst....hmmm, who to hire? Who to hire? Eureka! I’ve got it. Shannon Sharpe! Yesssssssshhhh, he’sh aweshome! Lishpsh are the way to go for national broadcastsh. While we’re at it, let’sh make sure that Lou Holtz has a prominent place on every college football pre-show too.” Thus, every speech pathologist in America, plus myself, is driven to the point of insanity whilst watching said pre and post-shows during football season. Way to go broadcast executives. Good one.
More important than speech impediments and useless blather…. what the hell are those guys wearing??! Yep, it’s a girly thing to fixate on, but seriously? Some of those ensembles look like dudes got dressed in the dark. Without a mirror. With their eyes closed. Tom Jackson is the absolute worst offender, but I’ve noted Merill Hoge (in all his tastiness…for an older dude, of course) has made what I will term “interesting” fashion choices across the board. Even the Schwab has taken notice and commented once or twice on the items seemingly selected by a color-blind stylist.
Having laid out all my rants here, it’s obvious isn’t it? Why I still watch?
It’s downright good times. If one must reluctantly watch said experts discuss, ad nauseum, Tom Brady’s perfection (stupid, stupid Patriots), then one should entertain themselves. Analysts, on any network, are my entertainment.
But probably not in the way they intended.