Fancy Seating

Last night I was relaying to the Schwab my thoughts on basketball and the hilarity that is the court seating arrangements during breaks in the action. And he said, somewhat indignantly I might add,“I told you why they do that Reluctant! It’s to conserve energy. Saves them some steps.”
Ummm….yeah. Very astute reasoning. Elite athletes. Peak physical condition. Those extra 3 steps (more like 5 for those of a ::ahem:: smaller stature) will surely tucker them out. Those poor, poor, young men. How can they be expected to win if they have to expend energy returning to their seat? Surely those extra steps have huge consequences in the outcome of any contest.
And I don’t care if there have been a million studies on the validity of this strategy, just like my grandfather when he gets behind a cause with little to no evidence to support his viewpoint, I am staunchly refusing to waver in my view that it is silliness bordering on lunacy to construct seating arrangements on the court during breaks in the action.

Oh, and I’ll hide this further down in the post, but yeah….i was wrong about the Final Four winner. Eh, you can’t be right all the time. It’s probably b/c I didn’t watch. I’m not sure if people know this, but, the outcomes of most games can be traced back directly to me: whether I watched or not. Sorry UCLA fans.

March Insanity

I’m not a basketball fan. And it has nothing to do with the game itself.
It’s the squeaky shoes.
For some, it’s nails on chalkboard that makes them crazy, for me: squeaky shoes. Squeak, Squeak, Squeak…the entire game, it’s all I hear (well, that and the incessantly loud, early 90’s tunes….answer me this: If everyone is in an enclosed space, and we are a captive audience, is there a particular reason that the music must drown out every other noise in the building? Including, but not limited to, conversations with the person sitting next to you? Are the cheerleaders that dumb that they need a loud audio-visual cue to get up and do….something?)
The Schwab enjoys a good college basketball game (surprised?), so we did, in fact, attend a few Pitt games this year. I’m grateful for the great seats we scored and the t-shirts catapulted into the crowd that so excited the 5-year-old sitting next to us, but still.
The shoes.
They are distracting.
Perhaps I should also admit here that I was more transfixed by Louisville having hired hands to put together a comfy seating arrangement on the court every time there was a break than by the actual scoring of points. Hey! I already said I’m not such a fan of the game!!
Anyway, the Schwab has been transfixed by March Madness and his bracket nonsense, yet again this year. Pitt bowed out early, but that didn’t free up time for the Schwab to join me in raking leaves and pruning shrubbery….. nope, he was glued to the T.V. and the assortment of games.
I hear the Final Four is this weekend.
I know who’s in it, but not the particulars, but, I’ll pick UCLA. California is a nice place. Ben Howland seems cool.
We are (fingers-crossed) supposed to have nice weather.
I bet I will be tackling the backyard leaf explosion by myself.

Sports Re-Runs.

The Schwab is a big Pitt fan. He enjoys a good Big East basketball matchup. On Saturday, he sat on the edge of the couch, on pins and needles, while watching Pitt ensure a narrow victory over Syracuse. He was excited by the win, and blathered on and on about March Madness and the Tournament. This Reluctant fan isn’t so much a fan of basketball, but as a good wife, she listened to his analysis.
So, on Sunday, I was very perplexed to find him again transfixed in front of the t.v., watching, you guessed it, the Pitt/Syracuse match-up. The very SAME game he enjoyed the day before. When asked why, why, why did he have to watch it AGAIN, the answer was simple: To focus his attention on what the defense did during the second half. Because he didn’t notice the day before? I mean, there’s only a handful of dudes on the court for both teams at any given time. But, moving on.
All of this brings me to this head-scratcher: Why do real sports aficionados watch the same game over and over again, when, and here’s the kicker: they already know who won? I mean, isn’t the point of sports the excitement of the moment? The nail-biter endings? The will it go in the basket/will he throw a hail mary/will he make a hole in one moments that make a game so exciting?
Why watch again? The fun is gone, the wind knocked out of the sails….the winner has already been decided. What’s the point?!
The Schwab, in what I feel must be membership in a rather large following of sports fans, sees the point. He watches basketball games from the 80’s when dudes wore tighty-short ensembles, and NFL Championship game clips and Super Bowls and golf tournaments and Big East basketball rebroadcasts. And, I suspect, he enjoys them almost as much the second time around.
I still don’t get it. But I’m thinking it must just be me.

Terrible Towel at Half Mast Today

Famed Steelers broadcaster Myron Cope died today.
I may not be a lifelong Steeler fan, but I remember the first time I heard his broadcast. The Schwab invited me over to his bachelor pad to an afternoon of football watching (this "date" should have tipped me off to his, oh, let's call it extreme appreciation, of sports).
The Steelers game was moments away from kick-off, the Schwab had his Terrible Towel at the ready, and then he did the unthinkable.....he lowered the volume on the television and turned up the radio....and I was greeted with the strangest sounding radio announcer voice...Ever. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, thousands of other fans did the same during the broadcasts, to here the radio announcer, and his proclomations of yoi and double yoi, call the game. The guy with the funny voice won me over that first day, as he did for fans for 3+ decades, before I became acquainted with him. He was an institution around these parts, a celebrity.....and very much beloved. And will be missed.......

ESPN! ESPN Everywhere!

The Schwab and I have moved. And while researching cable options, we decided to go with the fancy new fios offerings from Verizon, with their promised clear picture capabilities and millions of channels. Upon the departure of our helpful, friendly installer…..the Schwab began to channel surf (one of his all-time favorite past-times, closely followed by obsessive compulsively clicking through radio programs, making extended car rides a joy. Honestly.) and discovered…..every ESPN and NFL channel known to man. Joy. I was unaware of the proliferation of ESPN programming. A whole channel just for ESPN News. An entire channel dedicated to college sports. And on and on and on. And the NFL Network too! The Schwab, with visions of himself parked for hours in front of the T.V. with nothing but sports coverage to be consumed by, was delirious with anticipation and happiness.
I fear for my "sports widowdom", especially during football season. It's a good thing we have more than one television in the new pad.

Arlen Specter, You are an IDIOT

As mentioned in my baseball post below, intense congressional interest in sports is mind-boggling to me. And also, a colossal waste of time and my TAX DOLLARS!
What? Arlen Specter wasn't getting any more coverage for his cancer and crusade for stem cells, so he needed to get some publicity? And decided, "hmmmm? What will garner the most news coverage for me? I've got it! Let's resurrect a topic from 6 months ago, and insist that there is something more sinister going on......and pounce! That'll do it".
Idiot.
Is someone checking to make sure that all those medications haven't made him mental?
I'm hard-pressed to find one reason why Congress should give two sh!ts about whether or not the Patriots cheated. I hate the Patriots and I don't care that they cheated. I've said it before and I'll say it again, It's a Game. Let's repeat that to ourselves in a rational manner: It's a Game.
Does Congress have so much extra time on their hands now that they can worry about a game whose sole reason for being is for entertainment?
Hmmmm?
Because as an ordinary, somewhat well-informed citizen.....I think NOT.
I'm going to step off the soapbox now, still muttering to myself about our idiotic lawmakers, otherwise I will pull out all of my hair in frustration...and I'm not sure that I could pull off bald.

I Love Being Right.

I'm a little late on this post...but it has to be said:
I love being right.
I loved watching the Patriots leave Arizona with their tails between their legs. Loved watching Bill Belichek tersely answer questions after the big loss. Loved every minute of the mid-field celebration after the game.
Like I said, I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Giants fan, but I for sure jumped around the room a little bit as the final seconds ticked down and victory was confirmed. I then watched all the post-game analysis, as the "experts", shell-shocked by a Patriots loss, tried to make sense of the game...I particularly enjoyed that part. I love that they were wrong....and of course, I was right.
Did I mention....I was right? :)
I'm fairly certain the 70-whatever Miami Dolphin geezers were up late enjoying the sweet taste of icy cold champagne in celebration.

Super Bowl Red Carpet?!!!?! It's Wrong!

I am irate. And in shock.
Ryan Seacrest? Red Carpet? John f'ing Travolta?
None, not one of these things should be on the Super Bowl broadcast. NOT ONE.
It's wrong.
It's against the rules of the universe.
The Super Bowl is the annual ode to macho manliness. It calls for pizza and wings and beer (and not some pansy low-carb beer either......real, man beer). And if you can't handle it, tough.
Chicks can only participate if they know their way around a line of scrimmage. Luckily, this reluctant fan has logged many hours on the couch.......I'm ready for the game.
Please, give me Howie, give me Marino, Terry, The Tuna, Steve Young......those guys, speech impediments and idiosyncracies and all.......at least they know what they are talking about. John f'ing travolta? Ridiculous Ryan Seacrest? What's next? shows on E critiquing the outfits of the players? Discussing Michael Strahan's tooth gap? I only care about the game, I don' t care what any celebrity thinks about it......unless he happened to play football at some point, then, and only then.....it's okay.
Let me repeat: A red carpet is not Super Bowl appropriate. period.
Now, everyday shut up and let's play the game.
Go Giants!

Speech Impedements and Poor Fashion Choices: The Football Analyst

Last night I was watching ESPN…..HUGE shocker right? Guess who was in charge of the remote?
They have all their football analysts out in full force right now in anticipation of the Super Bowl this weekend. And there are a few rants I’ve had all season about these so-called “experts”.
For starters, let’s discuss the “analyst” term. The dudes who sit there before the game. What, exactly, are they analyzing? They just sit around and BS for a bit and then take a blind guess about who they think will win the game. And then after the game they try to rationalize why they were right (or, in most cases, wrong). I am most especially tickled when the ESPN dudes head over to their fake football field and relive their glory days as they “demonstrate” plays. The point? Is there one? I’m not sure actually.
This reluctant fan could probably be an analyst, and be paid a far more cushy salary than the current paltry-by-comparison amount.
But moving beyond the complete head-scratcher that is the “analyst” terminology, is the selection process networks must go through to select said experts.
It would seem to me that the number one rule in broadcasting is to be able to annunciate. To communicate effectively. So what bonehead thought to himself: “Self, we need a new football analyst....hmmm, who to hire? Who to hire? Eureka! I’ve got it. Shannon Sharpe! Yesssssssshhhh, he’sh aweshome! Lishpsh are the way to go for national broadcastsh. While we’re at it, let’sh make sure that Lou Holtz has a prominent place on every college football pre-show too.” Thus, every speech pathologist in America, plus myself, is driven to the point of insanity whilst watching said pre and post-shows during football season. Way to go broadcast executives. Good one.
More important than speech impediments and useless blather…. what the hell are those guys wearing??! Yep, it’s a girly thing to fixate on, but seriously? Some of those ensembles look like dudes got dressed in the dark. Without a mirror. With their eyes closed. Tom Jackson is the absolute worst offender, but I’ve noted Merill Hoge (in all his tastiness…for an older dude, of course) has made what I will term “interesting” fashion choices across the board. Even the Schwab has taken notice and commented once or twice on the items seemingly selected by a color-blind stylist.
Having laid out all my rants here, it’s obvious isn’t it? Why I still watch?
It’s downright good times. If one must reluctantly watch said experts discuss, ad nauseum, Tom Brady’s perfection (stupid, stupid Patriots), then one should entertain themselves. Analysts, on any network, are my entertainment.
But probably not in the way they intended.

I hate the Patriots

Yep the title is purposely antagonistic. I hate the Patriots.
And here’s why:
1.) They are so damn cocky. They strut all over the field when they win, but in press conferences, it’s all “aw shucks, we just take each game as it comes, we didn’t even think about being undefeated”. Yeah, yeah, bet that’s not what you were saying in the locker room.
2.) Bill Belichik. If he’s such a genius what would you call what he did while in Cleveland?
3.) They’re cheaters
4.) Tom Brady. I used to rather enjoy Tom. Those dimples sucked me in at first. The velvet suit during the announcement of Super Bowl MVP’s 2 years ago delighted me. But, he left his pregnant girlfriend to shack up with a Victoria’s Secret model. As a lady, I gotta side with the bereft pregnant chick. Tom Brady = ass.
5.) They beat the Steelers. A lot.

Having said all that, I wouldn’t call myself a Giants fan either, but you can be sure I’m jumping on their Super Bowl bandwagon. I will be cheering on Eli Manning and friends come Super Bowl Sunday. I might even wear their colors in a show of support. It tickles me that every television smartie-pants has derided Eli and his abilities all season, comparing him unfavorably to his brother, doubted his abilities….and the dude ends up in the Super Bowl. I like to imagine Eli, sitting in his NYC bachelor pad, chuckling to himself about how awesome he is. Maybe he calls up Peyton and they talk Super Bowl strategy, maybe him and Archie and Peyton all get on the phone together and giggle about what idiots the sportswriters and sportscasters are. (I’m not sure why I am daydreaming about the Manning family conversations. Psychosis?)
The reality is: it’s Giants vs. Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl MLXXXPRQQXXLM.
I’ll be cheering on Eli, Plaxico, Strahan and the rest of the crew, because the Patriots need to lose.
And the Miami Dolphins need to pop the champagne cork of a bottle that has waited far too long this season.
If I’m wrong, well…..
I guess there’s always next year right?

Overpaid, Bloated and Full of Rage

The Mitchell Report.
It’s everywhere, it’s taking over sports news, Congress is going to be talking to many sports stars mentioned in the report…..yadda yadda yadda.
Look, I know the drugs are illegal. So, yep, go ahead and prosecute the bad guys selling it.
But seriously with all the hoopla? The media scrutiny? The government involvement?
As an American Citizen, I would vastly prefer my government to be putting their thoughts/energy/funds into, I don’t know: revitalizing New Orleans (a truly unique, great American city), figuring out a solution to health care, funding studies to cure disease, doing something, anything, about global warming……instead of worrying about what over-paid, bloated athletes are doing.
Dudes make millions playing a game. A game that certainly makes a lot of other people a whole lot of money. But, it’s still a game. And guess what? If they want to destroy their bodies, diminish their manly bits, and be filled with rage…..that’s their business. I just can’t really be bothered to be outraged.
And while I’m on the topic, Roger Clemens really needs to shut the hell up. Just. Stop. Talking.
McNamee had every reason in the world not to tell anyone that he injected you….and he did. And he told on Andy Pettite too. And Andy admitted he did it. So…….yeah. Draw your own conclusions.
The point?
I don’t care.
And I can’t be the only one.

Victorious!

LSU.
Standing atop the heap, the apex, of college football. Winners of the National Championship last night in a glorious defeat of THE Ohio State University. LSU wins again. THE Ohio State University loses again.
The Schwab and I outfitted ourselves in purple and gold (the Schwab in a Sugar Bowl/National Championship t-shirt circa 2003) and we stayed up well past our bedtimes, to witness the victory. I didn’t play, I wasn’t there…..but I might feel just as good today as Glenn Dorsey and Matt Flynn about the victory.
You see, I’m not a THE Ohio State fan. I lived in Ohio, was surrounded by rabid fans of the Buckeye’s and their horseshoe. I’ve bore witness to drunken fans scream-singing the “sloopey” song, gesticulating wildly as they spell out O-H-I-O, much the same way crazed disco-goers in the 70’s must have responded to YMCA. And it’s cool. I get it. They like the team.
I just never got into it.
I grew up in Louisiana, and since the (S)aint’s were never anything to cheer for, LSU became the pride and joy. Mike the Tiger, the purple and gold….it’s ingrained from an early age. My dad? Still hates Notre Dame for beating LSU more than 30 years ago. Friends of the family? Moved to AFRICA, but made sure to keep their season tickets. The fans? Amazing.
However flawed the BCS system is (and yes, it’s flawed…is that even a question anymore?), my Tigers arose victorious from it this year.
Today is a good day.
I’ll try not to gloat too much to my Ohio acquaintances.
Geaux Tigers!

Mourning the Steelers

The beloved Steelers, winners of 5 Super Bowls (I had to put that in there for the real sports fans).....are out of the playoffs with a loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
The Schwab is still in mourning. He bemoans the play calling and special teams gaffes. He watches endless local sports talk programming, listening to pundits rage about the "breakdown" of the team, the injuries to key players, the coaches.....anything to justify the loss of a season that started out so promising.
I usually leave the room to go catch some really excellent reality television programming (that was sarcasm right there. in case you missed it. Just give the writers some internet revenue so we can all move on already! Watching Tyra Banks, Tila Tequilla, Bret Michaels and drunk/cocaine-addicted/self-obsessed celebrities in rehab is rotting my brain.)

I'm a Steelers fan, I admitted it below....
But secretly, I think to myself:
Dude.....
There's always next year.

Sports Appreciation Day (a.k.a New Year's)

New Year's Day should be renamed Sports Appreciation Day in our abode.
The Schwab had it all planned out. He donned his favorite sports paraphenalia, carefully assembled tasty snacks, iced down some alcoholic beverages and plopped himself on the couch. Where he didn't move. For 10 hours.
The Perfect Day.
As for me, I settled in with the Schwab to watch U.S.C. annihilate Illinois, Michigan upset Florida, Georgia absolutely shelack Hawaii and the Penguins victorious shoot-out in Buffalo. But, I digress. While watching the games, a few things stood out to me that I feel the urge to rant about here:
1.) Georgia. In every article I read today, they are ranting about how they should be #1, they should have played in the National Championship Game...blah, blah, blah. News flash: If you can't make it to your own conference championship game, you are not worthy of #1. End of story. Now zip it.
2.) Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. I'm not saying the dude didn't deserve it. He did. And I applaud voters for giving it to someone who deserves it for their play and not just because they happen to be the most prominent player on the best team in the country ::cough, Troy Smith, cough:::. But it can't be just me who thinks that a team containing the "best player in the country" should be able to win their bowl game.
3.) Why is The Bachelor commentating on college games?
4.) Why is Lou Holtz costumed in "coach" gear to dispense generic "go team" advice? It's a speech fashioned for players, who, no doubt, are preparing for the game: not waiting around to hear the "prolific" words of the old guy. I didn't get it.
5.) Does anyone over the age of 20 play Hockey these days?

The Schwab and I are both suffering from a little post-Sports Appreciation Day hangover, but no worries to you real, and reluctant, sports fans! The Fiesta Bowl is on tonight. And there's still the Orange Bowl, and of course, the grand-daddy of all bowl games, the big Kahuna: the National Championship game. I'll be wearing purple and gold (of course).